Attachment Activities for Children and Adolescents
- Life's Journey Counseling
- 6 days ago
- 5 min read
“A securely attached child will store an internal working model of a responsive, loving, reliable caregiver, and of a self that is worthy of love and attention and will bring these assumptions to bear on all other relationships” -John Bowlby
What is attachment? In simple terms, an innate need to connect for a sense of safety with a secure base to gain confidence to explore our environment, develop resilience, boundaries, and emotional regulation. In her book, Attachment (2018), Christina Resse, PhD, LCPC uses Merriam-Webster’s online definitions of the following words to help expand the definition of attachment:
Attach- “to bind by personal ties (as affection or sympathy)
Attachment- “the state of being personally attached: fidelity,” “affectionate regard.”
Fidelity- “the quality or state of being faithful.”
Affection- “a feeling of liking or caring for someone or something,” “tender attachment: fondness,” “a moderate feeling or emotion.”
Fondness- “tender affection.”
Connect- “to become joined,” “to have or establish a rapport.”
Connection- “a relation of personal intimacy,” “a person connected with another especially by marriage, kinship, or common interest.”
When we combine the meanings of these words, we get a picture of what it means to bond with another human, and this crucial bond begins in utero when the baby is soothed by the safe, warm environment of the womb and is comforted by the sound of the mother’s heartbeat. The attachment we have with our parents or caregivers is our first relational experience. In an ideal world, this attachment would be completely secure, without rupture; however, because I ascribe to the belief that we don’t leave this world unscathed, we will experience an attachment rupture or multiple within our childhood. These ruptures can range from unintentional ones such as a single parent needing to work multiple jobs causing them to be absent, to ruptures due to abuse and neglect. These ruptures can influence how children attach and relate to others later in adulthood.
Attachment can be explained through brain science. Our brain is made up of neural connections formed together by our experiences. For children, every experience is a first experience and if that first experience is negative, the brain creates a neural network that evaluates similar experiences and categorizes those as negative. So, if, for example, a child who had no knowledge of dogs is bitten in a first interaction, future interactions may be associated with fear and avoidance, and the brain begins categorizing all dogs as dangerous. Similarly, if a child’s first attachment experiences, most often with a parent, are negative, the brain begins to categorize and create neural pathways that reinforce the belief that all interactions with people are negative or unsafe. This association carries on to adulthood and can create difficulty in future relationships with friends, romantic partners, and co-workers. However, the brain is amazing and can relearn, rewire, and recategorize experiences when new, positive interactions are introduced and repeated.
The following activities are just a sampling of ways to reconnect with your child, strengthen the bond and have fun while doing so. With each new, positive experience, the brain makes a new association with human connections and a sense of safety and attachment develops.
Attachment Activities for Infants and Toddlers
Attachment at this stage requires the parent to be a secure base in which children receive soothing through rocking, touch, and a safe space to return to when beginning to explore their environment. Parents set boundaries where children can move within and respond appropriately when a boundary is crossed and then repair the relationship. Repair presents as “it was not okay to cross the boundary, but you and I are okay, you are continually loved, and I am fond of you.”
Feeding time is the perfect time to begin bonding. Breast feeding naturally provides skin to skin contact that promotes healthy attachment. Bottle feeding and table feeding give an opportunity for close eye contact in which infants and children use to communicate, connect and establish a sense of safety and trust.
Nightly bedtime routines include bath time, stories, and lullabies.
Mirroring games such as peek-a-boo and Pat-A-Cake where parents match facial expressions and reactions of their child.
Attachment Activities for Preschoolers and Children
At this stage attachment continues to be the secure base for exploration within boundaries and begins to model appropriate social skills and emotional responses. Parents remain calm so that when a dysregulated child approaches them, they have support in order to regain a sense of control and safety.
Board games and card games are a fun way to teach your child fair ways to play such as taking turns, learning how to win and lose gracefully and increasing their frustration tolerance. Games also encourage eye contact, laughter, and communication, all necessary ingredients for secure attachment.
Art mediums such as paint, clay, or play dough are not only a way to encourage creativity together but all are a natural way to regulate the stress response system.
Dramatic play or playing house, fast food drive-thru, mechanic and the like, allows children to explore healthy adult roles. When parents allow their children to take the lead and be the director, children gain a sense of confidence and control.
Attachment Activities for Adolescents
Being the parent of a teen can be difficult. It is a natural stage of development where a child begins pulling away from the parent/child relationship in search of more independence. Parents must not mistake this behavior for a lack of desire to connect with their caregiver. Their role as the secure base changes a bit in this stage; they move from teacher to consultant, from model to partner, working alongside each other to accomplish a task.
Cooperation activities such as cooking and sharing a meal together.
Find a common hobby such as gardening, running, creating, or building projects, hiking.
Simply being available can aid in building trust, take a drive together.
Providing sensitivity- accepting the emotion they are feeling without trying to shut it down or fix it.
Get to know what interests them. Put your phone away and ask questions about the music they like, who they follow on social media, what goals do they hope to accomplish and how you might be there to support them.
We are all wired to connect with others, to experience being seen, known, and loved is a basic human need, as basic as the need for food and water. Children who experience a strong, secure attachment to their caregivers will develop into secure, confident, empathetic adults.
The following resources provide more information on attachment and activities to promote a stronger bond between you and your child:
References
Reese, Christina. Attachment: 60 Trauma-Informed Assessment and Treatment Interventions across the Lifespan. PESI Publishing & Media, 2018.
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