
PLOT SUMMARY:
How We Love offers a comprehensive description of a secure love style as well as five different insecure love styles that people develop. These styles develop based on the way individuals felt a secure connection and comfort (or an insecure connection) from their primary caregivers growing up. Broken into four different sections, this book is an in-depth analysis about attachment styles and the patterns that emerge in relationships when couples feel they are not getting what they need from the other person. Section one offers incredible insight and background into where these patterns were first formed and what secure connections feels like. Section two details five different insecure connections and how these love styles can impair relationships and cause ruptures. Section three reveals what it looks like when different combinations of these love styles pair together. Section four highlights the path forward and gives specific ways of reconnecting with one’s partner and building a secure bond of trust that will bring relationships to higher levels of intimacy than they ever thought possible.
EVALUATION:
Written from a Christian perspective, this book is an incredibly helpful tool for understanding the dynamics and destructive patterns that couples partake in. It does not just show one pattern, but highlights five specific love styles and the common combinations that pair up with each other, the challenges these combinations find themselves facing, and most importantly, the way out of the painful patterns. Milan and Kay offer a thorough analysis of why marriages find themselves entrenched in agonizing patterns. Offering a variety of real life examples, stories, and Bible verses, Milan and Kay have made the book completely relatable and understandable to the reader. As relationship counselors themselves, they bring a vast array of experiences and insight. The encouragement they give to readers throughout the book is both realistic and hopeful. They have also created a workbook that goes along with How We Love for readers who want to expedite the process and really sink their teeth into the concepts to create new rhythms for their relationships.
THIS BOOK IS APPLICABLE FOR THE FOLLOWING:
-Couples who feel like they are in a destructive pattern and desire a new lens on their situation.
“Now that we’ve seen how imprints collide to create unhealthy and even destructive core patterns, we need to see how to escape those old dances” (Yerkovich 215).
-Couples who don’t understand why they keep lashing out at each other.
“The second internal tank is full of pressure that needs to be released on a regular basis. This tank fills up with stress, unexpressed feelings, and unresolved issues. The more the pressure builds, the more extremely we act out our imprints” (Yerkovich 233).
-Readers frustrated by the way their relationships are playing out. The same cycle keeps playing itself over and over.
“…I regularly hear from rookie relationship pilots, ‘This is so hard. It ought to be easier!’ ‘Yes, it is hard,’ I say, ‘but keep practicing. Soon it will feel so much easier. And in time you will use your new relational skills to perform marital maneuvers that will astound your spouse and even yourself” (Yerkovich 230).
-Couples who want to feel seen and safe in their relationships, but have not been able to cultivate that type of bond.
“I can still remember my initial resistance…though now I can see how foolish I was to fear the decision that’s brought me more happiness in life than any other I’ve made…Learning these new dance steps is a lot like training for a marathon… Remember, a caterpillar doesn’t turn into a butterfly in a day... But as you gradually begin to see results, you’ll be dancing smoothly together just as Kay and I have learned to” (Yerkovich 216).
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