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Writer's pictureCrystal King

Try Softer by Aundi Kolber - A Book Review

Updated: Oct 8


Try Softer Book Cover

PLOT SUMMARY:

Written with spiritual principles and biblical references, Try Softer by Aundi Kolber, focuses on the neuroscience behind an individual’s anxiety and stress. First, it reveals how various types of trauma will cause the nervous system to respond in understandable ways. It exposes the patterns and anxious mindsets that an individual’s body will create over time in response to either Big T traumas or Little t traumas. Sprinkled in are stories of Kolber’s own journey and losses as well as examples of others’ journeys. These are practical narratives that explain the nervous system and show how events can cause PTSD and dysregulation. Signs that the body is either in hyperarousal or hypoarousal (states of dysregulation) are seen through charts that clearly state the body’s responses to being outside of one’s Window of Tolerance (WOT). The WOT is a metaphor to explain an individual’s calm, alert, and regulated state of being. After that background, there are specific strategies and practices that detail how one can stay inside their WOT as well as expand it. Once expansion occurs, it creates resiliency and decreases anxiety.  The section on attachment styles offers readers a guide to understanding and reparenting their inner child. There is a direct connection between insecure attachment to others and the dysregulation this causes in the nervous system. Individuals can regulate emotions through mirror neurons. At the end of each chapter, concrete exercises match the content of the chapter and promote integration, growth, and healing.


 

EVALUATION:

This book goes against the grain of a common message that runs through the mind of anyone who grew up with a “Try harder,” “Never let the ball drop,” “Keep a stiff upper lip,” or “Nothing is ever enough” mentality.  Writing from a Christian perspective, Kolber strategically incorporates some of the most helpful neuroscience and psychology principles with scriptures of Jesus’s love and compassion. Her real life anecdotes give practical examples that readers will find relatable. She helps readers understand the difference between living in survival mode and thriving. Through the lens of secure connection versus disrupted connection, readers will see that how they show up in relationships directly connects to their own emotional well-being. She helps readers understand and interpret their own emotions through the signals that the body gives; this allows readers to move through their emotions rather than getting stuck in them. This is the type of book that is suggested to go through with a therapist. Many of the exercises at the end of the chapters are ones that readers may need to go through with a safe person who has an understanding of the nervous system.


 

THIS BOOK IS APPLICABLE FOR THE FOLLOWING:

-Individuals who are struggling with their emotions and bodily responses to daily life.

“A traumatic event includes anything that overwhelms a person’s nervous system and ability to cope.” (Kolber 34).

 

-Christian Individuals who are wanting some practical tools to help with their anxiety and want to see what God has to say about it from a biblical perspective.

“Psalm 56:8 says, ‘You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.” (Kolber 16).

 

-Individuals who are struggling with their emotions and behaviors in relationships.

“I didn’t realize then that our wounds often surface only when at last we feel physically and emotionally safe” (Kolber 61).

 

“If we never have the opportunity to practice feeling our emotions in the presence of another person’s more grounded nervous system, our WOT remains very small, and we are likely to become emotionally dysregulated quickly”(Kolber 82)

 

-Individuals who have a strong inner critic that beats them up.

“I can see now that because I’d learned my emotions were a liability, I didn’t think my feelings were worth listening to. Had I known my body was giving me signals that I was worn out and weary, I might have viewed my experiences differently…I was afraid I would be worthless if I failed” (Kolber 173).


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