By Nichole Bomar
Show of hands, who can relate? Your child repeatedly shouts “look at me, look at me, mom, mom, mom…” while you are trying to make an appointment over the phone, and never mind you have seen what they want to show you over a hundred times, and it wasn’t even impressive the first time. Maybe you ask your child to do a simple task only to receive an over-the-top resounding “NO!” You find yourself engaging in a battle of wills and you question if your child has a future as a lawyer. Children display a myriad of challenging behaviors, from seeking revenge on a younger sibling to avoiding and using selective hearing. It can leave adults feeling defeated, frustrated, angry, and feeling as if they have failed as a parent. Children don’t come with instructions, but they are hardwired with the basic needs to be seen, heard, and valued just like their adult counterparts. Identifying what your child needs in a high stress moment is not easy so let’s unpack what your child is trying to communicate.
According to Amy Lew, Ph.D. and Betty Lou Bettner, Ph.D. (2002) challenging behavior can most often be organized into four goal-oriented categories: to gain attention, exert power and control, seek revenge, and avoid tasks. Within each of these goals is a negative belief and feeling the child holds about themselves. So long as children sense they are getting their needs met by displaying these behaviors, they will more than likely continue to increase in intensity and frequency. This can feel disheartening for any parent; however, there is an anecdote for each of these behaviors that can constructively meet the needs the child is seeking while strengthening the attachment between parent and child. Connect, capable, count and courage are the crucial C’s to shifting a child’s negative goal into a positive one. Let’s take a closer look at each one.
Attention Seeking Behavior
A negative belief is something we often hold as truth about ourselves formed by our experiences. They often develop in early childhood by attachment ruptures with our caregivers. A child displaying attention seeking behavior holds the negative belief “I only count when I am being
noticed.” A child with this mindset feels insecure and strives to meet a need to be seen and heard. This is often in the form of annoying, repetitive behaviors that say, “look at me, look at me.” Parents become irritated and often put a stop to the behavior in a curt and demanding tone. The anecdote for this is connection. I always tell the parents I work with you will get the most out of what you pour into. Meaning, if most of your attention is going towards stopping the negative behavior, you’re more likely to see it again and again. Instead, try connecting, noticing what your child is doing well. A statement that begins with “I noticed you…” holds a tremendous amount of weight in a child’s heart. Plan activities together that promote positive interactions such as going to the park, making a meal together or playing a game. Teach your child self-sufficiency and pair it with a statement that says, “I noticed you just tied your own shoes; you have been practicing and can get yourself ready for school.” When a child feels connected, they feel secure, they make friends easily and they learn cooperation.
Power and Control
A child who exerts control and engages in power struggles holds the negative belief that no one can control me, and often, I can’t control myself. Feelings of inadequacy are paired with children in this category. Parents of these children feel angry when they are challenged and begin to argue or negotiate which only intensifies the child’s behavior. The anecdote is to help the child feel capable. This starts with parents checking in on themselves and their emotional reactions. It’s okay to step back for a moment so you can then reengage with a friendly, calm attitude. Parents should offer choices and opportunities for children to display power in a constructive manner. I suggest giving two choices that are agreeable to the parents.
This can look like “Johnny, do you want to wear your blue shoes or your red shoes today?” Using first/then statements can also deflate a power struggle. When a child knows they will receive what they are fighting for, they are more apt to complete the task you are asking of them. For example, “first clean up your toys, then you can watch your show.” When a child feels capable, they feel competent and begin to exhibit self-control and develop self-reliance.
Revenge
Children who seek revenge on a sibling, peer, or parent hold the negative belief that no one really likes them, and they will show everyone how it feels to be insignificant. Parents tend to punish behavior and want to teach their child a lesson. The anecdote here is to help their child feel that they count. When a child feels they matter and are valued they desire to contribute and assume responsibility. Parents can offer their children opportunities to help. Focus on the positive qualities of your child, value their interests, and maintain appreciation for the relationship.
Avoidance
Children in this category prefer to go unseen because they hold the negative belief that they can’t do anything right so why try. They feel useless, inferior and hopeless. Parents may be left feeling hopeless themselves because their children will not engage, their impulse is to give up. The anecdote for avoidance is courage. Parents should notice their child’s strengths without criticism and provide small manageable tasks that guarantee success. When a child experiences small successes, they become hopeful and confident. As confidence builds, they are more prepared for the failures that inevitably come, promoting resilience because they can easily recall their past successes. They become hopeful and willing to try new experiences and begin to develop good judgment.
Children do not have the language skills to express their needs, so their requests come in the form of behavior. When parents begin to decode and interpret this behavior and explore what might be the driving force, a beautiful thing takes place, attachment repair. Children feel secure, safe to explore their environment with skills learned from their caregivers. Parents feel at ease and begin to enjoy their children for the unique little individuals that they are.
References
Lew, Amy, and Betty Lou Bettner. A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Motivating Children. Connexions, 2002.
Comments