Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone Your Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Nichole Bomar
Jul 31
4 min read

By Paul T. Mason, MS and Randi Kreger

A book review by Nichole Bomar and Tiffany Will

PLOT SUMMARY:

“It can be frustrating and heartbreaking to watch people you love act in ways that hurt themselves and others. But no matter what you do, you can’t control others’ behavior. Moreover, it’s not your job…your job is to know who you are, to act according to your own values and beliefs, and to communicate what you need and want to the people in your life” (79).

In this three-part book, Mason and Kreger offer support to those who share life with a loved one living with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and/or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The first part delineates between the characteristics of NPD, conventional BPD and unconventional BPD. All are categorized as high-conflict personalities (HCP) and are described as “people (who) have a pattern of behavior that habitually increases conflict rather than reduces or resolves it. This usually happens over and over again, in many different situations, with many different people. The particulars of the situation are not what cause or increase the conflict. The real cause is how the HCP processes relationships and conflicts” (20). Individuals living with BPD often demonstrate an internal fragility marked with feelings of worthlessness and insecurity and any admittance of wrongdoing would reinforce the belief that they are insignificant. To prevent these feelings from arising the individual will seek to blame or criticize others by projecting their own wrongdoings onto them. This is a defense mechanism put in place to feel better about themselves and avoid facing the truth that what they are doing may be flawed. All-or-nothing thinking, or splitting, is when people, situations, or experiences are categorized as all good or all bad. Life is black and white without shades of grey. Those with BPD will see their partner as a savior or an enemy and they speak in terms of always and never. Perhaps the most prevalent characteristic of BPD is large, strong, emotions that are incongruent with the situation. Intense fear, anger, sadness, crying or yelling are common occurrences and often those expressing them feel out of control and later feel remorse. Those that don’t express these emotions themselves often evoke them in others through manipulation. Relational cycles appear and begin with the partner with BPD relying on others to manage their feelings, give them their identity (internal fragility) and see them as a hero or savior (all or nothing). When a perceived wound has occurred and the individual feels let down, their partner now becomes the problem (projection and blame) and is responsible to manage their feelings for them (intense emotions), causing the cycle to repeat.

The second part of the book offers support for the partners, parents, and children of those with BPD. Here are just a few of the coping tips reviewed:

Accepting that you did not cause BPD/NPD and you cannot control it, nor cure it.
How to stop taking your loved one’s behavior personally
Accepting that you cannot make your loved one seek treatment and that detaching with love may be necessary.
How to communicate without justifying, arguing, defending and explaining
How to live in agreement with your own values, needs and wants by setting limits.
How to take responsibility for your own behavior and not theirs.
Developing a plan to deal with impulsive aggression before they occur.
The third part of the book presents special circumstances and supports a healthy resolution around parenting a child with BPD, how to handle “distortion campaigns”, and support in deciding to leave or remain in relationship. The latter also offers support in how to parent and co-parent with a partner with BPD. The conclusion of the book provides helpful resources, supportive practices and provides online tools and support groups.

EVALUATION:

Mason and Kreger offer hope for those living with an individual with a personality disorder. The book debunks the belief that one cannot recover from a personality disorder, and it destigmatizes BPD by providing firsthand accounts of those who are in treatment or have recovered. The book brings an empathetic lens to the experiences of both those who live with a personality disorder as well as their loved ones. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a helpful tool to empower parents, spouses, co-workers, families and friends to take control of their own actions, advocate for their own rights and needs, and teaches limit setting to protect themselves and others while disengaging the relationship cycle. The book provides researched-backed information regarding common traits of the disorder, problems it creates, and practical steps to set limits within a variety of scenarios.

THE BOOK IS APPLICABLE FOR THE FOLLOWING:

This book is recommended for family members, both chosen and unchosen, who are in relationship with an individual with a personality disorder.

Children whose parents has BPD

“Children whose borderline parents vacillated between extreme love and raging or abandoning behaviors often have particular difficulty developing trusting relationships with others” (179).

“Children who Experience abuse also learn to deny pain and chaos or accept them as normal and proper” (113).

Parents whose children have BPD

“Teenagers with BPD will usually be highly disrespectful of others’ boundaries, including yours. This means that you (and your partner) need to be especially careful, consistent, and insistent on setting and holding personal boundaries with your child. These boundaries need to be very clearly communicated, very clearly drown, completely consistent, and utterly unambiguous” (205).