The Ladder of Forgiveness

By Crystal King

Louis Zamperini was a Japanese POW survivor during WWII. He was viciously beaten, mocked, and tortured by a prison guard known as, “The Bird.” After years of hate and pain, he intentionally and deliberately decided he was going to travel the path of forgiveness toward his greatest offenders in the POW camp. He is credited for the above quote. He talks about forgiveness as a real healing. So how do we achieve this?

It is no surprise that forgiveness is one of the most valued tenets among the various religions of the world. Whether or not we see it as a spiritual practice, the mental, physical, and emotional benefits forgiveness brings have stood the test of time. Forgiveness can enlarge the soul’s capacity to connect, build bridges between the broken, and promote change and expansion. For mental health, the results of forgiveness are often much greater than any prescription a psychiatrist can offer. The physical toll of holding onto anger and revenge has been found to have a detrimental impact on the body; however, forgiveness has been shown to provide dramatic results toward healing the body. Why?

Because true forgiveness requires us to fully face our wound, and facing the harm that happened in our story is a necessary step toward healing the body.

FALSE FORGIVENESS

Looking directly at the harm done to us can be incredibly crippling. We have spent our lives in protective patterns that allow us to avoid the full impact of the harm. These patterns are resourceful and understandable because they support our need to maintain functioning at high levels. But a lifetime of developing these avoidance patterns is why true forgiveness can be so extremely difficult. Many of us would rather jump off a cliff than go back to the place we were wounded, look at its impact, feel it, name it, and grieve it. Therefore, we have unknowingly opted for pseudo forgiveness.

Since forgiveness is such a common theme and encouraged practice among religious circles, we are trained to be quick to offer it, as if saying the words are a panacea that will correct the situation immediately. But these three words, “I forgive you” mean very little when the person saying them has not really done the emotional work behind them. Without the emotional work true forgiveness requires, we will continue to feel the anger, relive the pain, make caustic comments about the incident, treat the other person as though they are on morally inferior ground, and we unconsciously stay victims that can hold what the other person did to us over their head. According Richard Rohr, “Playing the victim is an effective way of getting moral high ground without doing any moral development whatsoever. We don’t have to grow up, we don’t have to let go, we don’t have to forgive, we don’t have to surrender” (The Wisdom Pattern).

But keep in mind, playing the victim is typically NOT our intention. We do not even see when we are doing this. We want to do the “right thing” and forgive. We intend to offer comfort and reassurance when we say those words. We want to calm the other person and bring them peace. It hurts us to see others in distress, and we have the words they need to feel calm again. We have no idea that the pain of what they did is going to come back to us again and again after we say those words. In fact, we truly believe we have forgiven them, and we are just as surprised as they are when we feel the pain again. This does not mean we have failed at forgiving. We are taught to forgive to restore peace, build the bridge, and receive healing, but we have not been taught the actual steps of forgiveness, so we unintentionally short-circuit our true healing from the wound. We don’t actually receive the full freedom of real forgiveness. We do not realize forgiveness is actually a ladder. It takes time, the unwinding of protective patterns, and massive effort to climb.

ANTI-FORGIVENESS

On the opposite end of being eager to bridge the chasm and naively quick to forgive, are those of

us who have said that we would never forgive because the person who harmed us does not deserve our forgiveness. Of course, if forgiveness was about who deserved it, would any of us deserve it? Still, this stance is quite understandable. Some acts are so heinous, some people have violated others in such egregious ways, and some ruptures can never be repaired. Certain atrocities committed on individuals and cultures across time do seem to be beyond forgiveness. It is no wonder we would say their actions are unforgivable. But this stance is often taken because we have a confused idea of what forgiveness really is. It is different from reconciliation.

FORGIVENESS VERSES RECONCILIATION

While forgiveness can start the path toward reconciliation, it is NOT reconciliation nor does it require the trust that reconciliation requires. Reconciliation can only happen if the offender is willing to do the work it takes to change their patterns, build trust, and live in relationship in a different way. Some of us have been wounded so deep that it does not matter what the offender does to repair; we will never be able to trust them again. However, forgiveness does not require trust, and it requires nothing from the offender. It can even be done without any communication with the offender. Forgiveness does not need anything from the offender whereas reconciliation requires intense repair work and transformation. Reconciliation is an entirely different process than forgiveness, and it requires the many steps needed to stay in a thriving relationship with someone. Forgiveness is a precursor to reconciliation, but while some situations will never be reconciled because they require another person’s behavior to change, forgiveness requires no behavior change in another; it is a work within oneself.

Forgiveness is NOT condoning the damaging behavior nor does it minimize the impact of the hurtful actions. Actually it is the opposite. One must feel the full impact to really forgive. It does not mean the person forgiven is “off the hook” and they are released from all consequences of their actions. It means we are releasing our hate, not dismissing what has been done. It is not excusing the behavior, nor is it blaming ourselves for the behavior. Forgiveness is not denying the result or consequence of the behavior, and forgiveness is most certainly not accepting the behavior that caused harm.

THE LADDER OF FORGIVENESS

So what DOES forgiveness require of us? How do we climb this ladder and receive the benefits of forgiveness?

“But as you are surely aware, forgiveness doesn’t mean you let the forgiven stomp all over you once again. Forgiveness means you’ve found a way forward that acknowledges harm done and hurt caused without letting either your anger or your pain rule your life or define your relationship with the one who did you wrong. Sometimes those we forgive change their behavior to the extent that we can eventually be as close to them as we were before (or even closer).” –(Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar)

STEP ONE OF THE LADDER: ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF THE PAIN

As stated earlier, one of the most difficult tasks that forgiveness requires of us is to face the harm that was done. For many of us, it is difficult to see the extent of the harm done unless we write it out, whether that be in a letter or bulleted list. Both the HARMFUL ACTIONS and the IMPACT these actions had on us Must…. Be….. Named.

1 - Name all actions of harm of anyone you feel even slightly bitter/resentful/hateful toward

Leave nothing out. Even actions that seem small or were unintentional. If there was harm done, add it to the list. Any attempt to minimize, justify, or excuse the harm will short circuit the process.

2 - How do we feel about the harm that was done?

Again, leave nothing out. Name every feeling connected to the harmful action listed.

Unseen

unworthy

rejected

alone

scared

shocked

damaged

hated

bewildered

misunderstood

overlooked

invisible

humiliated

exposed

let down

shamed

despised

disregarded

betrayed

crushed

deserted

misled

weak

disturbed

panicked

weighted down

boxed in

abandoned

Download Soul Words PDF

3 - What lies did we start believing about ourselves or others?

I am unlovable

I am not enough

I am bad

I am weak

I have evil desires

I am only lovable when……..

I am too……..

Others can’t be trusted

Others are ……..

Others will always want ……..

Others will never……..

Others are out to……..

4 - What patterns of avoidance did we develop to protect ourselves?

I must lie to stay safe

I must please others to be liked

I must hide my needs

I must fight to be seen

I must get small

I must run away from all conflict

I must do whatever is asked of me

I must work harder than everyone else

I must not show sorrow, anger, fear, etc….

I must never……..

I should always……..

STEP TWO OF THE LADDER: GRIEF

Underneath our hate and anger is a mountain of grief. Grieving is one of the greatest resources we have to heal, and it takes authentically connecting with our pain to grieve it. Truly grieving is the only way to walk through pain without coming out on the other side with bitterness, revenge, and hatred. The people we know who are authentically free of bitterness (despite the upsets in life they have had) are not immune to pain. They have just followed the grieving path to keep their heart from hardening.

If we receive love and secure attachment when we enter this world, our hearts are naturally soft, our thinking flexible, and the ability to connect with vulnerability and intimacy is available to us. But most of us encounter pain and deep disconnection at some point.  Without the gift of grief, this pain and disconnection hardens our hearts, creates rigid and extreme thinking, and compromises our ability to connect intimately with others. Pain will inevitably make us bitter or better, depending on whether we avoid or face our grief. The people who maintain the ability to love well after deep loss and pain have usually followed some version of the below diagram:

For additional resources on how to grieve, please review these articles: Grief Part 1  Grief Part 2

Notice that the last image in the diagram above shows loving boundaries. Boundaries which are made in bitterness and hate feel very different than boundaries made with a loving heart. It is important to clarify here that while grief gives us back our soft heart, this does not mean that we become a doormat to be trampled again. A soft heart enables us with the strength to set loving boundaries. While a hardened heart is boundaried as well, it lacks the ability to connect when connection is actually available. It remains rigid and alone. The ice castle that protects it does not allow for expansion. However, when we go from a broken heart directly to grief, our heart is unlikely to become hardened. The hardened heart is a result of avoiding grieving. 

STEP THREE- HUMILITY

Humility is a tricky little concept. Humility is not self-loathing, insecurity, or shame. Arrogance, pride, insecurity, and shame can all get in the way of humility because they all focus on an extreme version of self that is not true. Pride and arrogance can distort self to think we are better than others. Shame and insecurity can distort self to think that we are worthless or not good enough. Both of these extremes place an incorrect value on the self. True humility is the opposite of thinking ourselves better or worse than others. It is about thinking of ourselves and others accurately.

Consider a two year old.  They may not be the most humble person at this age because they do not have an accurate concept of self or of others. They have a false sense of what they are both capable of and incapable of. Because they are two, this arrogance is age appropriate, humorous, and even charming at times. However, when we grow to be adults, if we live in the delusion that we are capable of things we are not capable of, or the delusion that we are better than everyone else because of our abilities, than it is not charming or humorous at all. Likewise if we believe we are incapable of many things because we see ourselves as less than, worthless, or insignificant in some way, than we are not seeing accurately. Either extreme is harmful and leads to the inability to forgive others. Sometimes, to compensate for our low opinion of ourselves, our shame turns to an inflated and false sense of pride that can stand in the way of forgiveness. We may think that we would never make the mistake another person made, and we are better than that, and maybe we wouldn’t make that particular mistake. But we are all imperfect. We all make mistakes and have caused harm whether intentionally or unintentionally. But when we are shame-filled, and have no real confidence, we must reach for an arrogant pride in an attempt to feel okay. We start to believe this lie that we are better than others. But, given the right set of circumstances, each person on earth is capable of choosing great harm to both themselves and others. Without this humble and accurate view of ourselves, we may be quick to judge someone.

It is especially easy to judge another’s motives and assign intentions. When we assign people motives for their actions toward us, we begin walking down a path of negative perception bias that encourages us to eventually see the other person as the supreme enemy.  Judging another’s motives is rarely accurate and highly ineffective when we are seeking clarity, truth, and forgiveness. Our pride tends to think it knows all. It will make quick judgements and assumptions about why a person hurt us. Much unforgiveness can be attributed to seeing only a piece of the picture and filling in the rest with our assumptions about another person. A humble, accurate view of ourselves and others starts with curiosity, the willingness to be open to new information, flexible thinking, and the patience to wait while more of the picture unfolds.

STEP FOUR- EMPATHY

Walking in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they feel is vital if we want to understand the compassion required in forgiveness; this step allows us to let go of hate. Empathy is feeling with a person, rather than feeling about a situation. It does not require us to have the same experience, but it does require us to connect to the feeling that the experience created in another person. Brene Brown talks extensively about empathy. She asserts that it is a connection builder and the antidote to shame. She claims that empathy requires the following four elements:

• Perspective taking — (This is the ability to see through the lens or filter of another person or recognize their perspective is their truth.)

• Staying out of judgment — (This requires flexible thinking and a curiosity that allows for the nuances in people.)

• Recognizing emotion in other people — (This requires knowing your own emotions and noticing that emotion is felt in the body first. Someone’s body language often indicates an emotion.)

• Communication — (Communication expresses their perspective, experience, and the emotions their lens and experience evoked in them.)

Dr. Brown continues:

“I understand it this way: When we empathize, we don’t see that person as unlucky or someone who made poor choices in life, but rather a flawed individual like us. In other words, you put yourself in their position and try to connect by unearthing your similar experiences. Empathy is a choice and it’s a vulnerable choice. Because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”

Choosing to feel what another person feels when we know it will be extremely unpleasant is not easy, especially if we skip the other steps. To recap:

1. First there is the way we feel about. This is the impact the action has on us. This is necessary to investigate in step one.

2. Then in step two, we get to grieve this impact and find our soft heart again.

3. In step three, we realize in our humility that we are imperfect as well. Because we do not see the full picture, we cannot judge another’s motives.

4. After this, we are open and ready for empathy. If we bypass the other steps though, the empathy we give can derail our process. All the steps are necessary.

STEP FIVE- RELEASE AND ACCEPTANCE

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” (Chicken Soup for the Soul: Think Possible "Author Unknown").

This quote pretty much explains this step: letting go. If the previous four steps have been thoroughly processed, our system will naturally find itself wanting to land here. Motion begets motion; the movement of our body swaying forward as we move across the horizontal ladder of monkey bars, is similar to the movement of this step. When we get to the end of the monkey bars, the natural motion is to let go with both hands. If we find we cannot release and accept, it is likely there is some unnamed pain that still needs to be grieved. We need to go back to step one and two. If we are stuck, we are stuck for a good reason.

FINAL TEST

It is imperative that the steps in the ladder of forgiveness be more than a cognitive exercise. True naming, grieving, empathy, and humility must be felt in the body and heart space. In his book Yes, And…Daily Meditations, Richard Rohr says it well.

“Feel the pain of the offense, the way you first felt it or are feeling it in this moment, and feel the hurt in your body. (Why is this important? Because, if you move it to your mind, you will go back to dualistic thinking and judgements: good guy/bad guy, win/lose, either/or).

Feel the pain, grief, anger, but do not create the usual win/lose scenario. Identify yourself with the suffering side of life: How much it hurts to hurt. How abandoned you felt if you were abandoned. Hold this in your heart space, your body space, instead of processing it mentally…

Once you can move to that place and know how much it hurts to hurt, it will not be possible for you to want that experience for anybody else…

Welcome the experience and it can move you to the Great Compassion. Don’t fight it! Don’t split and blame! Welcome the grief and anger in all its heaviness. Now it will become a great teacher.

If you can do this, you will see that welcoming the pain and letting go of all your oppositional energy against suffering will actually free you from it! It is like reversing your engines. Who would have thought this? It is your resistance to things as they are that causes most of your unhappiness—at least I know it so for me.”

+Adapted from The Art of Letting Go: Living the Wisdom of Saint Francis (Recording). (30)

In the final analysis, we all have the option to live free of hate, bitterness, cynicism, animosity, hostility, and enmity. These drain the very life out of us, foster depression, and darken our passions. We can all choose to climb the ladder of forgiveness. When we feel the “Great Compassion” in our soul, we will know it was worth it.

Living with hate is not worth the toll it takes. It takes so much energy and does not actually create anything constructive; it takes and takes without giving anything back. It is worthless and unusable. This is the definition of waste. It erodes our soul. Waste must be removed from the body so our higher levels of functioning are not blocked. When we take the time to learn forgiveness and extricate the waste from our hearts, the freedom we will feel will empower us to create a constructive, formidable life. A life not weighed down by resentments. A life not weighed down by hate. A life that turns the energy stuck in erosion and hate into an energy that can move and create.