Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain

By Dan Siegel, MD

Synopsis

In his book, Brainstorm, Siegel dives into the most common myths parents entertain when their child is entering the challenging times known as adolescence. He dispels the misnomer that my child is just immature and frequently goes off the hook for no reason and gives neuroscientific evidence that your child’s brain has been wired for such a time as this.  Siegel proposes that if you can better understand how the adolescent brain functions the more equipped you will become to help guide them into meaningful relationships and healthy risk-taking.

Siegel articulately explains that there is purpose in adolescence:

“When we see our emotional spark, our social engagement, our novelty seeking, and our creative explorations as positive and necessary core aspects of who adolescents are—and who they might become as adults if they can cultivate these qualities well—this period becomes a time of great importance that should be not just survived but nurtured” (p. 75)

Siegel shares four strategies that you can deploy as a parent to help you better understand your child, which he calls Mindsight Tools. By Siegel’s definition, mindsight is your ability to comprehend your own inner world, empathize with the world of another, and integrate both into a cohesive experience. By these terms this speaks to how we can experience ourselves not as good, nor as bad, but as loved. And the greater we can comprehend that the better we integrate that into our relationships with others…especially your child! To learn more about mindsight, check out a short video for Dr. Siegel here https://drdansiegel.com/mindsight/

Mindset Video

These tools help you gain insight into your own mental awareness and what you are experiencing emotionally. You name it to tame it. This involves reflecting on what you are experiencing and not making a snap judgment. The better you can remain calm and reflect on what you are thinking about your child or about the situation faced, the greater opportunity exists that you teach your brain not to act on what you first perceive.

“In reflective conversations each person can share what they are feeling, thinking, remembering, hoping, dreaming, believing, or perceiving. These conversations connect us to one another so that we can feel felt and seen—so that we can feel authentic and real. Reflective conversations make life meaningful and enable us to feel a part of something larger than our isolated sense of self.” (p. 209)  

How It Can Impact Your Relationship with Your Child

Nothing will make your child feel more loved than when they experience the belief that as their parent you know them. Not merely know their name, their favorite food, their desired hairstyle, or their favorite activities. Knowing means understanding them on the deepest emotional level. Siegel identifies this as being “present” with your child. When you child feels that they are seen, heard, and understood, they will feel safe with you. That holds such vital importance because many of the challenges they will face through their adolescence – body changes and sexual development, relational changes, brain development, cultivating a healthy sense of identity, and taking risks – will be much less alarming if they feel they have a safe person in which to voice their frustrations, anxieties, and disappointments. Yet if they feel that their lives are insignificant due to your lack of presence, they will feel that you are indifferent to the challenges they face. If you minimize or dismiss their experiences, they will feel isolated. And if in the terrors that adolescence brings you respond in ways that terrorize them even more, the consequences mount.

Knowing what anxiety, shame, and frustration the adolescent years bring up in you is essential to cultivating the empathy and understanding they must experience to safely meet these challenges. Then your child begins to internalize I am not on my own but rather This is me, this is us, and we can face these challenges together.