Healing the shame that binds you

by John Bradshaw

A Book Review

PLOT SUMMARY:

The book Healing the Shame that Binds You is a thorough look into all types of shame. Interweaving some historical and religious concepts throughout his discourse, Bradshaw makes important distinctions between healthy shame and toxic shame.

In part I of his book, he walks readers through the psychological development of shame throughout the different stages of life, starting with what it looks like in childhood and moving forward. He remarks about a toddler hiding his eyes, commenting that, “Hiding the eyes is characteristic of shame because shame guards against overexposure. When we are exposed without any way to protect ourselves, we feel the pain of shame. If we are continually overexposed, shame becomes toxic” (Bradshaw 11).

Bradshaw reveals how shame can take on many different forms from co-dependency to alienation to a variety of personality and mood disorders. Next he covers the possible sources of shame ranging from family, social systems, religion and other structures that can become dysfunctional rather than life-giving. The causes of toxic shame are examined with a far-reaching lens.

Covering addictions, compulsions, disorders, rage, dissociation, and more, Bradshaw links the shame-based identity as the root of relational trauma, neuroses, and a variety of dysfunctional behaviors.

Part II of Bradshaw’s text offers a variety of therapeutic modalities that Bradshaw has used with clients to decrease their shame. His approach ranges from twelve step work to inner child work to forgiveness work to integrating disowned parts work.

Part III is a discovery of the freedom of living with healthy shame versus toxic shame.

EVALUATION:

While this book at times reads like a text with psychological graphs and charts, Bradshaw still weaves in many relatable life stories and metaphors as well. The compassion that Bradshaw has for anyone who has suffered under a shame-identity is clear. He makes it obvious that a shame-based identity is formed through our circumstances, and while it is not our fault, it is our responsibility to work through it. He offers hope to anyone struggling with shame through a variety of solutions. Some readers will gravitate more to certain methodologies than others, but since he offers a widespread range, readers are sure to find one style that fits. The opposite of a “light” read, this book goes into the heavy of life with no hesitations. It is a full course on shame written in the 80’s, yet many of the applications and theories still fit today. It is a heavy read both intellectually as well as emotionally. It takes some time to digest and readers may need to re-read sections due to the more rigorous style of writing.

THIS BOOK IS APPLICABLE FOR THE FOLLOWING:

-Readers interested in a thorough “text book style” examination of the psychological and biological human interactions with shame.

-Readers interested in learning more about alcoholism:

“I used to drink to solve the problems caused by drinking. The more I drank to relieve my shame-based loneliness and hurt, the more I felt ashamed.” (Bradshaw)

-Readers who do not understand why they rage, over-eat, self-harm, personalize everything, etc.  They feel at war with themselves and don’t see how they got there:

“When a caregiver acts “shameless” by raging, condemning, criticizing, or being judgemental, we take on the shame they are avoiding. While they avoid their shame, we have to carry it. In actual fact it is our shame, i.e., we actually experience being shamed by their acting in a shameless manner. We accepted their judgement as being about us, when it was really about them. In this sense, we carry their shame” (Bradshaw 181).

Readers who feel they are a mistake

            “A person says, I am a mistake—everything I do is flawed and defective. The demonic potential of shame can lead to the most destructive emotional sickness of self a person can have” (Bradshaw 21).