Reconciliation Part Two: an act of atonement
- Crystal King
- Jan 14
- 9 min read
By Crystal King
Metanoia, a Greek concept, often stated in religious texts, stands for a profound change of perspective or a turning around. This definition of repentance accurately portrays what is needed for atonement: a complete and profound change. A turning around indicates facing and walking an entirely different direction. True repentance can heal both ourselves and the other, and it brings us from a state of guilt to peace again. It is not simply an “I am sorry.” It is a widespread behavior change. The pattern of harmful behavior is broken, and a new pattern arises in its place.
Reconciliation attends to two wounds simultaneously. First, it attends to our own profound guilt. Our guilt is actually there to move us toward repentance. If we cover up or ignore our guilt, it can turn into a defensive coping strategy and cause us to blame others for the very thing we feel so terrible about. But facing our own guilt requires a solid sense of self. If we have a shame-based identity, the worthlessness and disgust we feel for ourselves will derail our ability to feel our guilt and act in repentance.
A SOLID SENSE OF SELF
In his book, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves, Curt Thompson describes the difference between shame and guilt.
“Researchers have described shame as a feeling that is deeply associated with a person’s sense of self, apart from any interactions with others; guilt, on the other hand, emerges as a result of something I have done that negatively affects someone else….In order for me to feel guilt, I must in some way simultaneously feel the pain I have caused for another. In this sense guilt tends to draw my attention to another and is often accompanied by a desire to resolve the problem by being closer to him or her (admitting a wrongdoing, seeking and being offered forgiveness). Shame, on the other hand, separates me from others, as my awareness of what I feel is virtually consumed with my own internal sensations.”
A shame-based identity is a protective shield that may not allow our remorse to emerge; furthermore, remorse that comes from a shame-based identity does not produce lasting change. This shame shield must be addressed in order to have enough footing under us to face our guilt and allow it to move us to repentance.
Shame shields act as a protective force formed from the lies that surround unaddressed core pain. When a shield is up, nothing gets through, the good or the bad. We can’t be complimented enough, loved enough, or treated well enough because none of it gets past the shield. Inevitably the shield keeps us from healing. Our connection to others suffers when the shield is up. The shield must be laid down for true atonement to take place. If a shame shield is in place, please look into the resources at the end of this article on your journey to atonement.
REPENTANCE
After laying down our shield of shame, we are ready to make amends, and this amends attends to our own wound (for when we hurt another, we hurt ourselves), and it attends to the wound that was created in the other as well. True atonement creates a space in which the wounded can feel fully seen in their pain and no longer disregarded. While repair does not always take away the consequences and impact of the wound they suffered, it can allow for them to no longer feel alone in their pain. The rupture can be repaired and connection restored. If done well, the repair can actually bring each person closer than before.
1- Admit The Harm That Was Done
First, we must acknowledge and own the pain that we have caused in the other person. We must completely face the harm we have done, and understand the fullness of its impact. Using attunement (explained in part one) we can tune in to the radio frequency that the other person has been living in. Without this direct insight of our actions’ impact, there is no regret. And regret is necessary for repentance.
In order to acknowledge our regrets, we must seek to understand our true motives. This requires deeply attuning to our inner selves. Why did we do harm? Were we afraid, empty, soothing our pain, avoiding our pain, trying to protect a vulnerable part of ourselves? Without this deep self-understanding, the harm will keep occurring. This understanding of why we did harm does not excuse us from owning the harm done. But it does give a perspective that allows us to find compassion for ourselves; this compassion enables us to discover new ways to handle fear, longings, discomfort, and pain without using the old harmful coping mechanisms.
When we have regrets, the temptation is self-flagellation. If we whip ourselves hard enough, we believe the pain of regret will be lessened. The pain of self-flagellation acts as a perfect distraction from the pain of regret. However, self-flagellation is the opposite of attuning to ourselves. We must draw closer to ourselves with compassionate curiosity to even get near our deeper motives. If the deeper motives are found in a strangled emotion from childhood, no amount of whipping will bring this forth. There is no child that feels free to reveal its most authentic self when it is being whipped. Likewise, when we are whipping ourselves, the painful part of us that caused harm, will not make itself seen. We must find our hidden authentic self in order to face our regret and admit the harm we have done.
2- Seek Support
If we have been trying to break a destructive pattern on our own and have been unsuccessful, repentance requires seeking help to form new neural pathways for our engrained coping mechanisms. An unwillingness to seek help lacks humility and is the same as unrepentance. We must find the resources we need to change and consistently modify our behavior when our fears and desires call us to old coping mechanisms.
Our brain is a pattern detecting machine, and the defenses and alarm signals it created around our fears were meant to ensure our survival in harmful situations. The deeply entrenched coping mechanisms of our brain and nervous system cannot just change because we wish them to. Our biology does not work that way. Just as eating tons of sweets and wanting to become incredibly fit does not produce results, having a nervous system primed to help us survive neglect and wanting a repaired, loving relationship also does not produce results. The wanting is however the first stage. For some people with traumatic backgrounds, even getting to the wanting has already taken a tremendous amount of work. But this alone is not enough for repair. Though it is a start, if the work stops there, we will not see results.
Getting the support to change our neurobiology must follow the wanting. If our neurobiology was wired to survive relationships of neglect from childhood, then we likely have shame. This shame, if deeply rooted, might not just be a shield that comes up once in a while. It might be full-on protective armor that never comes off. If this is the case, it will be very hard to see the need for reconciliation, and we may not even know we have lived our lives in a suit of armor.
Asking the following questions to the person we trust and feel the safest with can help us gain some insight into how much armor we wear:
-Do you experience me understanding you in moments of joy or distress?
-Do you feel able to share heavy things with me without fear of me over-reacting or making it about me?
If there is no one in the world we trust or feel safe with, we can probably assume that we have been clad in full-on armor for a while. This armor has been a heavy weight, and it keeps out the good we need to heal. Asking these questions of ourselves will let us know if we have been able to let in any good or if we have been living in armor.
-Can I experience a safe person understanding me in moments of joy or distress?
-Am I able to share heavy things with a safe person without fearing their reaction?
There are so many reasons we shield ourselves with armor: All of them valid and necessary. Seeking support to see when we are holding a shield or wearing armor will enable us to find our core self again. From that place, we can offer more genuine reconciliation.
3- Deeply Look At The Impact Of Our Actions- Using Empathy
After admitting the harm we caused, and finding the resources needed to change our patterns, we must also look closer at the impact of our actions. Name the pain caused in the other person? Did it cause them to feel alone? abandoned? insignificant? worthless? etc.? Name and empathize with the feeling it caused in the other person. Feel it with them.
Disclaimer: When behaviors have been repetitive and created a pattern of harm, reconciliation will not be received as readily. For cases of repetitive harm, this “feeling with” is often ineffective if the ones we harmed are still in “protect mode” and unable to enter into grief. Protect mode does not allow them to feel the pain of their loss yet. Once they are out of protect mode and truly feeling the pain of their loss, we can feel it with them, and they can then feel felt.
HOWEVER, they will need to see consistent, repetitive behavior change and attunement before coming out of protection mode, especially if the harm has been a long term pattern.
4- State The New Action Plan
Last we must state what we wish we had done different and what we will do different in the future. State the plan of change. Repentance is empty without a plan of change. A strategy for change includes how we will respond when the old triggers come back and old behaviors surface. How will we watch for them? Preventative measures must be in place.
What will we use as the moat around our castle, so that the invaders (old neural pathways) will not even have a chance to infiltrate our castle walls? Without a deliberate building of a castle moat, our well-intentioned efforts will fall flat. We will go back to old blueprints.
Again, Wanting to change is NOT enough. Take the action that ensures change is the only option! This gives us the necessary reinforcements to build a new direction: a direction that responds to situations rather than reacts, a direction that notices when the body has a core need (not a selfish desire) and has the proper supports in place to fulfill the core need without resorting to harmful behavior.
Example: Our spouse walks into the house with a furrowed brow. Due to our wiring/past experience, we automatically think this means we have done something wrong. Instead of attuning to their furrow and what it means for them, we are caught up in attachment anxiety and what the furrowed brow means about our connection. This brow becomes a threat to our connection, and we start flailing because connection threats make our nervous system feel like its drowning. Flailing is the automatic go to when we feel like we are drowning. Flailing can take any form of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. To remedy this, we must first attune to our anxiety about this furrowed brow and seek reassurance, so we can then attune to our partner without our anxiety bias causing the interaction to go sideways. If we do not go the vulnerable route of seeking reassurance, we will either armor up or start flailing. Either defense is going to further the disconnection.
If we don’t have a template for knowing our core needs, we must create one. Many of us who have worn armor for a while have no template for our own needs. Those needs are too far away from us. If we had to push our core needs very far away for a long time, then the only way we will break our harmful pattern of behavior is to start listening to and feeling our original core needs. For example, if we grew up in a home where our emotional needs were unmet, then the distance we had to create between ourselves and those original needs could be huge. An action plan must involve finding our core self and healing those wounds. Every other action plan that focuses on externals will be short lived and ultimately ineffective. The action plan must include an internal sweeping of the soul.
While this internal sweeping of the soul is taking place, external action plans may also need to be in place to give the person we hurt the needed reassurances. Each action plan will be different depending on the wound that was created and the needs of the partner who was wounded. The action plan gives a sense of security and stability to both the offender and the wounded.
Attunement will need to be the guide to this action plan because every relationship and rupture is created through different dynamics. Let’s make sure that our attunement guides the atonement.
RESOURCES ON SHAME:
ARTICLES:
BOOKS:
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