Part Two: The Security of Boundaries
By Crystal King
Typically, clouds hang out in the sky.
But every once in a while, the clouds come down to the land, causing a heavy fog that obstructs our vision. The fog can be so thick that we do not know what is standing three feet in front of us. Our options of what we can do are highly limited when we cannot see clearly. Ambiguous boundaries feel like this fog. They lack clarity and limit our options. Clear boundaries create expansion rather than limitation. Anyone who works with kids or has kids of their own knows the value of clear limits and boundaries. Boundaries create calm from chaos. The security that boundaries bring to children enhances their ability to regulate their emotions. Without the security of clear boundaries, both children and adults often feel like the ground beneath them is shifting. It is hard to walk straight and function with shifting sand under our feet.
Ambiguous boundaries can be detrimental. But an ambiguous boundary is not the same thing as a flexible boundary. While an ambiguous boundary is about not knowing where the line is, a flexible boundary knows exactly where it is, and is also able to adjust it if needed.
RIGID VS. FLEXIBLE BOUNDARIES
We learn about both our limits and our expansiveness partially through trial and error, but mostly through careful observation and attunement to our physical reactions. For example, I understand that I never want to go skydiving based on the highly uncomfortable physical reaction of my body on a rollercoaster. It’s just not for me. However, if I highly valued skydiving and got excited at the thought of it, I would need to find a way to expand that boundary and enlarge my window of tolerance. Within our boundaries, we have room to expand based on our values and what makes us come alive.
Some categories in life may call for flexible boundaries that can be expanded and help push me outside of my comfort zone. For example, if I value relationship and intimacy, but am scared of feeling close at the same time, I will need to work on boundary expansion. Let’s say I notice my chest tighten when my partner starts sharing some vulnerable feelings. Maybe they even have tears with this vulnerable share. If I value intimacy, but have tightness in my chest when someone is actually being intimate with me, then I might sabotage that intimate moment if I do not know how to tune in to my physical sensations. Maybe I don’t slow down long enough to notice the sensation, and the tightness increases, dysregulation occurs, and now I am doing anything to get out of my physical discomfort. I distract, avoid, make a joke, criticize, or any number of coping skills to get me back to a regulated state. Unfortunately, I have just sabotaged the very thing I value and crave: intimacy.
My coping strategies (addictions, people pleasing, raging, overworking, or anything I use to avoid discomfort) do not just surface out of thin air. They show up first as a signal of distress in my body, and if this signal is not recognized and tended to, then my avoidant coping strategy surfaces.
Because the brain is a pattern detecting machine, this signal of distress in my body can show up at times of safe opportunities for intimacy. Unfortunately, these safe opportunities look just like something that was not safe in my past!! Recognizing this is vital. My body is telling me to run, but I know that sitting with the discomfort of hearing my partner’s pain is actually going to bring me what I need long term (connection), so this is a moment to expand the boundary my body has set in place. Understanding that my body created this boundary for good reasons (ie.: closeness was not always safe in the past, it was used against me, it was not an option in my home of origin, etc.) is important to recognize, so I maintain self-compassion when I notice my conflicting desires: flee vs stay, push away vs pull close, defend vs soften.
If I am stuck in the wiring of my past, do not know how to tune into and calm my nervous system in healthy ways, and I operate from a compartmentalized identity, then my boundaries will likely be very rigid, black and white, narrow, and hyper-fixated on control. This type of boundary may feel necessary to my very survival until I do some deep inner work to bring these extremes into balance. The ability to create flexible boundaries can be helpful for both internal and external boundaries.
INTERNAL VS. EXTERNAL BOUNDARIES
In order to have external boundaries that I place on my time or my relationships, I need to have internal boundaries first. For example, let’s say I have a habit of ruminating for hours about a worry. Because that type of thinking only zaps me of energy and is not productive, I need to place an internal boundary around my unproductive thoughts and remind myself of what is true. If I can become an observer of my thoughts, I can shift them rather than letting them shaping me, my mood, and impacting my whole day. My thoughts are not always helpful or true, but becoming an observer of my thoughts and holding them up against a lens of reality may take some practice. Tools like mindfulness and meditation are proven to be powerful brain changers.
Internal boundaries are necessary because I can easily spin out into a very dysregulated state by not putting parameters around how I think and what I believe about myself. Without internal boundaries that focus my thoughts on truth and reality, I can get highly anxious or depressed. This will then impact the external boundaries I feel compelled to create. External boundaries are most productive when I have first interrogated my internal landscape to figure out what I can take ownership of and calm within, regardless of external factors.
If we struggle with intrusive thoughts, self-criticism, anxiety, panic, depression, rumination, or OCD, we can benefit from looking into resources designed to help us notice and shore up our internal boundaries. The podcast link below is one example of such resources.
INSPECTING MOTIVES WITH INTERNAL BOUNDARIES
Inspecting our motives and our current internal boundaries can lead to much more reasonable external boundaries. Motives like pleasing another person, avoiding discomfort, avoiding conflict, making sure we are seen as good, worthy of love, indispensable, not a burden, etc. can all have their place, but if these motives become the driving force and lack healthy boundaries, balance is lost.
In her work with codependency, Nancy Johnston (LPC, LSATP, MAC, NCC) has researched and observed some common behaviors that become detrimental when they take become extreme and imbalanced:
Giving • Fixing • Caregiving • Helping • Serving • Hard working • People pleasing • Thinking for others • Speaking for others • Taking over • Controlling • Doing for the other person what they can do for themselves • Conflict avoiding
If we look at the above list of behaviors and think about our motives for each one, we begin to see when these perfectly helpful behaviors can turn toxic. Anything in excess can turn from something wonderful to somethings scary. Our motives for doing something usually dictate how extreme we will become with it. Motives are often layers beneath our conscious awareness, which is why this work is often done with a trained professional or support system of some kind.
Sometimes our motives look so good on the surface, but they are actually about the fear of something. For example, let’s say deep down (and unknown to me) I do not feel safe having or voicing my needs to another. It makes me feel vulnerable to losing connection with them. Then I go to a conference and hear a lecture about sacrificing my needs for others. Maybe it’s a sermon at church. I quickly adopt this mentality of sacrifice because it feels right and good (in fact, it fits right into my underlying fear that focusing on my needs will cost me love). I start to sacrifice for others all the time in the name of love and honorable intentions. I deny my needs to the point that I am not even aware of what they are. I start to grow weary, taken advantage of, and resentful, but mostly I feel trapped. The minute I listen to my needs and try to speak up, I feel like a burden, guilty, selfish, and in danger of losing the connection I am desperately trying to maintain by not having needs. This whole time, I have been sacrificing in order to fill something missing in myself. Maybe I needed to feel more significant, worthy, seen, connected, loved, cherished, or safe in the relationship. Sacrifice was my avenue to get that, and when that does not happen, I am completely defeated, broken, lost, and feeling alone.
Using sacrifice to get a core need met will work until it doesn’t, and then it will leave us exhausted and bitter. A core need cannot be satisfied through a false premise. We cannot over-function for others and under-function for ourselves and expect to feel balanced within.
There is a big difference between an intentional sacrifice and suppressing a need. Intentional sacrifice is free and requires nothing from another person. When we sacrifice honorably, we give from a place of awareness. We are choosing the pain the sacrifice may bring because of a possible greater good. It is a conscious choice to risk feeling pain, knowing that the sacrifice may not achieve the desired outcome. It does not come from a place of self-deficit. Also, it does not enable destructive behavior in another person. Sacrifice that enables someone else to continue a destructive pattern is harmful not redemptive.
Resentment and anger cannot build with intentional, redemptive sacrifice because it is a choice that we own from a solid sense of self. Resentment builds by having a hope or an expectation of another that they cannot or will not fulfill, yet we keep “sacrificing” as if they will eventually be able to meet our needs.
Now, when it comes time to face that we have needs and are ready to stop denying them, we must first ask, is this a reasonable and healthy expectation? If not, we do the work of letting the expectation go. However, if we have questioned our internal motives and found that it is a reasonable and healthy expectation, then we can move to an external boundary.
We can create an “access/responsibility” boundary. This is what Lysa TerKeurst talks about in her book called Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. It simply means that the level of access we give to someone needs to match their level of responsibility with our heart. To give our love, our time, our very heart, is a costly thing! It would be unwise to give someone access to our heart at a level 10 when they have shown that they have a level 3 capability of being responsible with it. That creates a dysfunction in relationship because healthy, intimate relationships are built on reciprocity and equality. Different relationships will require different measures. Obviously expectations of a newborn and their mother are not built on equality and understandably so. But this “access/responsibility” concept is concerned with relationships between adults that have a healthy function of reciprocity.
For example, it is reasonable that when I talk to my partner, I will be treated with respect even if they are angry. If my partner calls me names and berates me, yells a stream of profanities at me, criticizes me, or puts me down when they are angry, I can compassionately create a boundary where they have less access to me. I do not need to stay in those conversations. It is not loving to myself or to them to stay in a conversation where they are cruelly criticizing me or behaving destructively to themselves. It damages both of us to stay in that conversation. I can lovingly leave the conversation and make it clear that I will not be a part of those. Those hostile conversations cause ruptures.
Until that rupture is repaired, I may not be able to connect with the closeness I desire to have with them. And unless I see evidence of changed patterns in their temper, I do not need to expand that boundary. In fact, if there is no repair over time, I may need to decrease access further.
The effectiveness of a boundary, in some scenarios, is to show when there has been a breach of trust in the relationship. Repair is needed to step back into full access with all the benefits of closeness. If we “forget” about the rupture or gloss over it, and minimize it without requiring repair, the pattern continues and we grow resentful over time. A breach that continues means the boundary either needs to stay in place or even shift into more limited access. Over time, our actions and responses can teach others how to treat us. See more on repairing ruptures in:
HOW TO PRACTICE EXTERNAL BOUNDARIES USING INTERNAL RESOURCES
Sometimes we think we have tried boundaries over and over to no avail. We may feel highly defeated after we have tried so many methods and nothing has worked. Remember, boundaries are not about changing someone else. That person may never change and we may need to grieve what we have been experiencing for years. Boundaries offer a path to preserve the relationship, but that does not mean the other party will choose that path. But we will still see a change after setting a boundary. A boundary has great influence on our well-being. If we are not at least seeing change in ourselves and in our situation after a boundary, we may be missing a step. Juliane Taylor Shore (LMFT, LPC) teaches and practices the following six principles with her clients when talking about boundaries:
STEP 1-THE BIG WHY
This first principle is being really clear for ourselves WHY we need this particular boundary. We need to lay out what will happen if we do not set this boundary. What is the cost? For us? For our spouse? For our kids? If we do not know the reasons this boundary is necessary, the boundary may collapse when trying to enforce it. I suggest discussing the big Why with a trusted other and then writing it down.
STEP 2- DEFINE THE ACTION
This step gives us a clear action step that aligns with our values. There are a variety of actions to take when it comes to boundaries. It just depends on the situation. Actions can include the following:
A conversation with someone about a change: When_______ happens, I will now do_______
Changing a pattern: I will no longer go to _______ with _______
Adding a pattern: I will block out a chunk of time to _______ weekly
Tuning into our emotion: When I feel the first sign of _______, I will pause and _______
Deciding on a new behavior: When my partner/child/friend _______, I will now_______
STEP 3-ANTICIPATE THE RESPONSES
Depending on the boundary, the response from the other person may be strong, especially if an old pattern existed for a long time. Imagining the possible response and what we will do can help us be more prepared in the moment. Even role playing the scenario with a therapist can help prepare us. In the moment, someone else’s response can hijack us and we may need to practice taking a pause and re-regulating. Practicing the scenario through imagery beforehand will often create much more stability in the moment.
STEP 4-ANTICIPATE OUR OWN INTERNAL REACTIONS TO THE RESPONSES WE GET
Once we set a boundary, there may be a variety of possible responses that internally trigger some strong emotions in us. We may question, doubt, have anxiety, or feel guilty about the boundary. Listening to these emotions and naming each one that comes up is necessary to keep the boundary intact. The boundary will crumble and dissolve if we do not understand and attend to our own emotional response when there is push back. This goes back to internal work. The truth is that we have to practice listening to this discomfort, and ask ourselves, where is this pain coming from? Is it coming from a need to please at all costs? Is it coming from a resentment I have? Is it from a fear of abandonment? Is it from a fear of doing something wrong?
Did we communicate the boundary in a loving way and make our needs clear? If so, it might be time to listen to all the emotions that their response brought up in me. Otherwise, the other person’s response to my boundary can cause so much discomfort in me that I disown my needs again to keep the peace in the relationship. When we disown our needs or suppress our feelings, they go off to a distant place in a closet in our mind and declare war. This is a silent war that can cause us to grow resentment and even become physically ill over time. The very relationship we were trying to preserve now becomes a subconscious war zone where passive aggressive behaviors or subtle tones of hostility can come forth. Maybe one day we just explode. We suddenly have a level 8 reaction to a level 2 situation because that suppressed need bursts forth as rage.
There are helpful practices that can help us listen to and digest the intense feelings that surged in us after the other person’s response to our boundary. Getting a journal and writing out some of the big feelings with our non-dominant hand can help us access any implicit memories that came to the surface. The non-dominant hand will be more in touch with the emotional hemisphere of the brain which is where implicit memories are stored. Then responding with the dominant hand, we can write down the truths that address the uncovered fears. This process can help the two hemispheres of the brain connect. We need both the emotional and verbal/logical parts of the brain online if we are doing deeper internal work. Without this work, we keep our patterns on repeat and the boundary process can get stuck at any spot. (For more information on implicit memories:
STEP 5-CREATE A SELF-SOOTHING PLAN
Warmth and kindness create longer lasting change than criticism. Self-compassion is key because a low self-worth is a big block to maintaining the boundaries we value. Sometimes we have such low self- worth that we cannot tolerate someone being mad at us, so we dissolve the boundary, the painful pattern continues, and our resentment grows ever bigger. We opt for short-term comfort over long term benefit because we have not learned to sooth the part of us that feels so rejected after stating our boundary. The pain of the immediate rejection becomes louder than the pain of the pattern. We have to tend to that immediate rejection pain if the boundary is to remain intact.
Then we can remind ourselves of the big WHY of our boundary and stand up for the part of us in so much pain from the long-term patterns.
STEP 6-SAY IT AGAIN AND FOLLOW THROUGH
Why would we need to repeat ourselves? Because when changing a long time pattern, repetition is both kind and helpful. We do not need to be pulled in by any guilt trips or manipulative strategies the other person brings forth. We can merely restate the boundary and follow through. If we find ourselves being moved to defend, attack, blame, criticize, or run, we can notice those coming up in ourselves, offer a comforting internal reminder (“this is a significant boundary that honor’s both my value and theirs”) and calmly restate the boundary to the other person. After that, following through with our actions will end the former cycle.
Restating the boundary is very different than over-explaining, defending, trying to get the other to “get it.” They may not be trying to “get it.” They may just want you to change it. However, it is best not to assume their motives or assign negative intent on them. Presume innocence and simply restate the boundary.
Following through with this six step plan can give us the peace and security we have been craving in the chaos.
For more resources on boundaries, please check out the book reviews or podcast episodes below.
BOOK REVIEWS
PODCASTS
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